Here is the best true story I know about the charity of saying no. Take it seriously or don’t, but honestly, it’s a story I made up.
An eight-year-old boy went to confession on a Saturday evening before Mass the following Sunday. He didn’t really know how, so the priest patiently taught him—slowly—how to begin with “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” before stating when he had last gone to confession. If it was his first time, he should say so. Then, in listing his sins, he should begin with mortal sins before moving to venial ones and conclude with an act of contrition after the priest had given him some advice.
So the young boy started in a childish tone:
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession since I was born. I accuse myself of the following sins—
I said no to my best friend.
I shouted at my mother.
I took meat from the pot without telling my mother.
And I lied about it.
For all these sins and many more I may have forgotten, I am sorry."
The priest spoke up after a brief silence. “Okay, boy. God has heard you. But I told you that God wants you to state your mortal sins first before your venial ones. But you did the reverse.”
"No, Father. That’s not true. I started with my most grievous sin first."
Funny how the boy sees the virtue of saying No as a mortal sin. This boy is most of us.
Here’s a spoiler alert for you as a charitable person: Saying No is not a mortal sin. Saying Yes to every request is not charity—it’s a vice, a self-inflicted wound. It’s suicide. And don’t be surprised if it lands you in hell.
When you ignore yourself and your needs until you disappear from this world, there will be no you for others to depend on, leaving the world at a great misfortune. After all, I can only pull others out of the river if I first pull myself out. This is what the author Darmon Zahariades calls The Psychology of Assertiveness—the learned ability to develop the self-confidence to express our needs, wants, and interests.
This is entirely different from being aggressive, whether actively or passively. While assertiveness is simply communicating your position confidently, aggressiveness communicates in a way that is rude, dismissive, or narcissistic. Being assertive means recognizing your worth in a positive manner.
In learning to say No, we tell the other person: "I have a life too." And that is life— that you are alive, not a robot programmed to accomplish tasks for people. By learning to say No, we protect others by saving ourselves to serve them better in the future. In saying no, we say yes to them. We affirm that what we have been doing for them all along is charity, not mere people-pleasing.
Charity is “Loving your neighbor as yourself.” But how can you love your neighbor if you have not first loved yourself?
@archpen
